What to do?

Feeling better tonight, I really wasn't myself last night.
Felt better after climbing 20 floors though~
After climbing 20 floors, I came back, took off my clothes and went to sleep.
But I couldn't sleep, my brain wouldn't stop thinking.
I kept wondering, am i not a good guy?
I honestly feel that I'm a caring guy, sweet, patient and kind.
My head isn't filled with sex, games, drugs, and stuff. But, it seems as if guys like that get more girls.
Last night, I figured out some things...
When I fell in love for the first time, I loved her with all my heart. And when my heart broke, it was shattered and a piece stuck to her.
The second time, I loved with all my heart, but it wasn't a complete heart, a small piece was missing. And the love oozed out of the hole in my heart, causing great pain.
Right now, my heart has a few holes in it, the second time it broke, more pieces went missing. And the love in it is oozing out again, causing pain whenever my mind is free to wander.
I'm just looking for someplace for my love to flow to, something to plug the holes so it would stop hurting.
I'm afraid that if I fall in love again, i wouldn't be able to love her with all my heart.I fear that each time I fail to find my Juliet, I will be less likely to find her, and my ability to love her will decrease.
This pain isn't just mental pain, it isn't only emotional hurt. It comes with physical pain that digs at my chest every night. Even now, I feel it clawing at my chest, craving love.
I hope somebody will read this, but I don't hope for pointless advice. I know what advice people usually give, I know what people usually say. I just hope somebody will know my feelings, and understand me better, just as I try to understand others better.
Oh well, Leon, out.

It Hurts...

Like I said, it hurts... I must seem really desperate to people reading these posts, heh.
Nowadays, my heart hurts all the time, loneliness is slowly taking over.
I'm becoming spiteful and sarcastic towards my friends.
Jealousy is blurring my mind, I can't think straight...
For the first time in years, I put my hand on my computer screen to "feel" the girl in my wallpaper.
Rest assured, it's not in the erotic way, and the girl is an animated character.
Every breath hurts when I'm alone like this, I don't know what to do.
I've always prided myself with my mind and it's ability to think of solutions for most situations. But not this time, this time, I'm stumped...
A blog like this, no one reads it, nobody will give advice. Yet, I keep on writing, just for the sake of it...
My mind is at peace when I write, my emotions flowing out of my pen (in this case fingertips) and painting a picture of how i feel.
I realize, I'm getting distant from my friends, I'm losing sight of who I was.
I have no idea why I'm so desperate to find a partner, I can't think of anything.
Someone starts a conversation with me, but I'm not in the mood to talk. I've never learned to express myself directly...
I want to tell them how I feel, but...
I know what's wrong with me, but at the same time, I have no idea what is wrong.
Ironic eih?
Oh well... Leon, out

When?

It really makes me wonder, why don't things go the way I want them to?
I wonder when will I finally win...
People all around me are getting hooked up, but not me.
My previous encounter, I confessed to her, and she rejected. Now she's hooked up again, what about me?
Come on, why do things go like this? Why am I always forgotten?
I get left out of things so often, even though I try my best to never leave people out.
I hold people dear to my heart, my friends are special to me. But they don't seem to realise that, they don't seem to feel the same for me.
I would do anything I could for my friends, but why doesn't it seem like they would do the same for me?
I have no idea what I want any more, I don't know what to do with my life at all.
I can't decide on what I want, what I like. I can't be sure of how I feel, what I'm thinking either.
The only thing I'm sure of is this, I feel so alone.
I hate this loneliness... Hate it, despise it.
But what can I do?
I really want somebody to understand how I feel.
There's a chinese saying that says "heart sickness can only be healed by heart medicine".
So I ask, when will my "heart medicine" come?
It's hurting so much right now, every night.
I don't think anybody will read this, even if someone did, who would care?
They'd just think I'm another teenage kid looking for attention.
Maybe I am? I'm not even sure myself.
Before I end this post, I'll ask again.

Where are you, my Juliet?

Valentines' Day = Hell

Tomorrow is Valentines' day, and as usual, I'm alone on this day. Oh how I wish I wouldn't have to be alone on this day.
This few days, I've begun thinking of my first love again. I get the feeling that I'll never love another girl the same way I loved her. I loved her for almost 4 years. In the third year, I had to move to another state. My friends encouraged me to confess my feelings, but i refused to do it.That time, I told myself, I didn't want to burden her with my emotions. A long distance relationship wouldn't last. And thus, I left without confessing.
After the move, I still felt for her. I tried to forget, but all the other girls seemed to shrink in comparison to her. After a few months, she got a boyfriend. I told myself to forget her. I tried my best. It was like ripping out my own heart...
Finally after half a year, I let go of her for good. But still no girl could catch my eye.
I don't want to go on like this, I hate this loneliness. I absolutely hate it.
Well, I thought I could stay at home tomorrow, wait for my package to arrive, and start building my MG Sinanju. But no~ I gotta help my mom at her shop after lunch. Can't stay at home and mope the day away...
I wonder, when will I finally stop being lonely like this? When will I finally find Her? When...